Buried

It's that time of year where I feel absolutely 

buried in busyness, things that have to get done!  

Much like this:

I worry over how it will all get done.

 I put it off ,

I'm too overwhelmed to figure out where to start. 

I wish that someone could come along and pull me out:

Or better yet, 

come along aside me, 

take my hand, 

talk me through it, and 

walk with me:

Then I am reminded, 

there is someone who does take my hand and walks alongside me!

"Don't panic. I'm with you.
   There's no need to fear for I'm your God.
I'll give you strength. I'll help you.
   I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you."

Isaiah 41:10, The Message

I hope that the busyness of life doesn't overwhelm you, but that the love of God strengthens you today!

Finding the Blessings,

Denise

I'm Totally Obsessed...

Oh my how the time flies!!  Yikes, it's been almost three months since I posted on here.  I'm always thinking about what I want to post but haven't exactly prioritized my time to do so.

So, here I sit with a little time on my hands.  Dinner was cooked, devoured, and cleaned up and now I feel like I should post something.  I guess I will warp speed through the happenings of the last few months:

• I've been working on (praying) about making a move into school administration.  God hasn't opened the doors yet (in fact several have slammed shut) and I'm wandering if my future is even in public education. ( Being a part time working mom has also been on my heart.)  You'll see below about my many obsessions that I would like to explore.  Working kind of gets in the way ;)  Until that time, I've been praying about where God would have me so that I am my best and using the gifts he's given me as I serve Him.  Until then I will be teaching the fourth graders and Crestwood again next year.

• A new passion.  Many already know this but one of my lingering regrets with the passing of Madelynn is that I don't have pictures with her or of her.  No family pictures, etc.  Well, that lack of photographs has manifested in an obsession of photography.  In November I bought a really nice Canon camera and have been learning how to use it.  I love, love, love taking pictures.  I also love editing them, thank you picnik.com for your many fun features.  I done some fun "Photo Shoots" to practice my skills.  Here's a few samples of my "work":

• I also have an obsession with lurking on the blogosphere.  Did you know there is this whole world of creative people out there posting about their crafting adventures?  Well, there is!!   I lurk around these blogs and bookmark the projects that I'm convinced I will be undertaking.  I am somewhat of a stalker.  I haven't gotten to the point where I post comments.  I'm thinking I probably should.  I find that I'll start on one gal's blog and then lurk through 10 more and an hour later I'm convinced that I can repaint the entire inside of my house and make all the decorations to go with it!  And the best part, many of these ladies are Christian and their blogs show their love of the Lord!  I've already been inspired to go hunting for that one thing I'm going to bring back to life!  Janell and I went treasure hunting for the first time this weekend.  Oh the possibilities!  Hmm!

• What is your current obsession?  What is is that you really want to do but feel like you don't have the time?  I'm sure I'm not the only one out there who wants to be doing something else.  Would you share with me what you want to do?  I may get an idea for something I would want to do too!!

Until later (and I promise not three months later)...

Finding the Blessings,

Denise

The First Year

Yesterday we remembered our little girl, Madelynn Lorene.

She was born into Jesus' arms on February 18, 2010.

This was our first "anniversary" of her passing.

I have to say that Thursday was a harder day for me.  Lots of tears.  

It was a Thursday that she was born so my mind was flooded with memories of that day.  

I spent time looking for something special for her birthdate.  

Then spent some time driving in the foothills and taking pictures.  

I was reminded of God's awesome creation.

Part of me was dreading the 18th and what emotions would fill that day.

Jason and I talked about how we would honor Madelynn on her "birthdate."  

I've decided to call it her birthdate because it's just easier for me to say.  

February 18th will forever be the day we remember and honor our Madelynn.

I'd love to share with you how we honored Madelynn on her day.

I bought a flameless candle with an "M" on it.  This candle was lit all day yesterday on our shelf that holds all our physical memories of Madelynn.  It was so peaceful to look at it and see it flicker.  We left it on all day.  We decided this candle would stay on every year on her birthdate.  I have to say it really had an affect on me.  I was bothered when I turned it off last night.  So, I turned it back on today.  Janell said to me, "Mommy, did you see that Madelynn's candle is on today."  I told her I turned it on.  It made me feel good.  I think I'll be buying some stock in AAA batteries.

Both kids went to school yesterday.  Janell had a trip to see Cinderella and Nathaniel was concerned about not getting his perfect attendance pencil for February.  He was so cute though because he said it was alright if he missed school, he could just get the March pencil.  I picked up both kids at 12:00 from school.  We went to lunch, their choice.  After we ate we went and bought balloons.

We quietly drove to the cemetery.  

I would like to share with you in pictures what we did at the cemetery.

It was a very special time for our family.  After releasing the balloons we just had a time of being together at the cemetery.  We enjoyed the special rose that Uncle James brought to her.

Nathaniel is our sensitive one.  He was bothered that he didn't have anything to leave for Madelynn.  He kept asking why we didn't just lift up the stone and get her out.  He has such a sweet spirit.  I told him I had some paper in my purse and that he could write her a note.  Both kids decided to write a note to leave for her.

"For joy and love.  I miss you."  Nathaniel

"I love you and God too."  Janell

Our time in the cemetery with Madelynn was a very special time for our family.  I found myself not wanting to leave.  In that moment there was such a beautiful peace about us.  We have been blessed immeasurably and are thankful to a God who has seen us through the storm.

Our day ended with  all our family together.

Mommy, Daddy, Janell, and Nathaniel

Nana, Papa, Auntie Lisa, Jessica, Justine, and Alexis

Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle James, Auntie Kim, Kate, and Grandma Marge in spirit (she was home sick)

We enjoyed a pizza dinner at Me-n-Ed's and brownie sundaes back at our house.  Jason and I both agreed that it was so nice to be with our family on such a special day.  We are so thankful for all they have done for us during this time.  We also remember that they all suffered a loss as well.

We are so thankful for the prayers that have sustained us this past year.  We know that our lives have a new normal now as we are constantly reminded of the "should be's."  

But we also know what God's word tell us in Romans 8:38-39:

 "I'm absolutely convinced that nothing - nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, 

today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable - 

absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love 

because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us."

One day we'll see Madelynn again.  And until then we continue to seek God's will for our lives and use our experience to reach out and help others.

Thank you for taking the time to be a part of our lives.  

I look forward to sharing life with you!!

Gotta Love New Beginnings!!

I love January!  It's the time of year where I feel like I get "Do-overs!"  I start the week after Christmas and start thinking about what changes I'm going to make in the new year.  Of course these changes could be made at any time, but somehow they seem better when they coincide with the New Year.  So this year I sat down and took a hard look at what needed to change.

Here's my list:

1.  Spend more time in the word and on my relationship with God.

2.  Spend more QUALITY time with my kids and husband.

3.  No more excuses: it's time to get healthy!  (step one: no sodas, no sweets)

4.  Get the financially stable.  (code words: hasta la vista debt!)

5.  yadda, yadda, yadda,

Up First:

I don't know about you, but for me change is scary and bit overwhelming.  During the first week of January I had to come to terms with some issues and acknowledge that I needed some help.  The kind that comes from the doctor.  I have always been a very anxious person that worries about everything.  With every little ache or pain I put myself in the grave.  My family sweetly calls this being a "hypochondriac."  I also tend take on the pains and burdens of others around me.  I don't think this is a bad thing except for me it becomes something I dwell on.  Things that are out of my control plague my mind.  Add on top of that the grief of losing a child and I was pretty much a mess.  I was trying to keep it all together and under control.  I could handle this.  During these last few months I was praying and seeking a deeper relationship with God.  I was able to cast these burdens to Him and pour out my heart to Him.  I did find peace in those moments, but unfortunately my brain has a mind of it's own (okay that's funny, get it, my brain- mind of it's own).  My heart knew what I needed to do but my brain didn't cooperate.  It started to affect my health.  Waking up in the middle of the night feeling like I was going to have a panic attack, tightness in my chest, back ache, and on and on  (insert hypochondriac here).  I was even anxious about going to the doctor.  In the beginning of January I went in for my monthly b12 injection.  I quietly asked the receptionist if I could make an appointment because I was experiencing anxiety.  She looks at the nurse who had just called my name and asked if they could see me now.  "What, right now, uh okay!"  Thanks God!  I get the message.  I could feel my blood pressure rising.  I was waiting in the room for what seemed like forever planning what I would tell him and do it without breaking down.  When the doctor came in he asked, "What's going on?"  I crashed, the floodgates opened and I poured out my heart and what had been torturing my brain.  He asked me if I was depressed.  I replied that I didn't think I was, but yeah I probably was.  Next, the direction I dreaded going... "Do you think you're ready to take medicine?"  I didn't want to have to take pills to get this figured out.  I looked at him and nodded my head, yes.   I needed to take something to get this anxiety and depression under control.  I struggled with the idea that I should need medicine because God tells us to not be anxious or worried.  I also know that the last eleven months have been extremely difficult and I still needed to be aware of postpartum issues.  So here starts a new journey.  I have to face this head on.

So, I am now taking some medicine to help get things back in control in my brain.  But you know what, I feel better.  I still have some anxiety that I'm working on, but I'm hopeful.   I see the doctor next week for an update and will make sure everything is good physically.  I would certainly value and appreciate your prayers. I felt it was important to share this with you because people don't talk about things like this.  It's treated like a secret.  I know that there are many people who are struggling with anxiety and depression and I have a new appreciation for what that does to you.  I pray for those who are dealing with this as well and am thankful for those that have shared with me.  It's nice to not feel alone.

Oh,  yeah and back to that list.

With this new year I just closed my eyes and I'm going for it.  

It's now January 29th and the month has been good.  I'm eating better, spending time with my quality time with my family, being a good steward of what God has provided me, and reading and spending time God.  I have already finished an awesome book: Made to Crave (www.madetocrave.org).  It is about replacing those cravings for food with a craving for God as that is how he designed us: to crave Him.  I highly recommend you check it out.  Things are looking good on the homefront!! 

 I give Him all the glory for the healing and changes that are going on.

Well, speaking of quality family time, It's time for me to join them. 

 Last I heard we were renting a game for Family game night.  Sounds tiring ;)

One last thing:

We would treasure your prayers as we move into February.  

  We will be remembering our sweet Madelynn as she was born a year ago on February 18th.  

We are working on how we want to honor her each year.  We are all missing her greatly!

Thanks so much for spending some time with me!!

Our Holidays in a Nutshell

Well my oh my, it's been a bit of time since I wrote on here.  I think about it all the time but life has been so busy these last few months so I haven't sat down to write. I am not happy with how busy life is.  There are things I want to do but feel like I can't fit them into the day. I'm sure you know exactly what I mean. 

Just a short update about how we are:

We made it through the holidays. I really didn't want to be home for Thanksgiving or Christmas. 

For Thanksgiving we went with Jason's mom and dad to Disneyland.  It was really nice to all be together (I did miss my family as they were all together at home).  We spent three days in the Magic Kingdom.  We ate a traditional turkey dinner with Goofy and his pals and then enjoyed the snow and fireworks at Disneyland afterwards.  I enjoyed watching Janell and Nathaniel spending time with their Nana and Papa.  Such great memories created.

I have to admit that right after Thanksgiving I started feeling very sad again.  It was going to be our first holidays since Madelynn passed away.  There was supposed to be an addition to our holiday festivities.  Everywhere I looked I couldn't help but think about her and what should have been.  I didn't say anything to anyone and not to Jason.  He was so busy getting ready for the church Christmas program and I didn't want to burden him with how I was feeling.  The Monday after the program we had a chance to talk about how we were feeling.  We were both struggling and grieving the holidays.  I felt so much better after talking with him.  I have to remind myself to share with him about how I'm feeling instead of keeping it to myself.  I guess I'm afraid to make anyone feel sad and I have never liked to draw attention to myself.  So, I just deal with it in my own way.  That is until that doesn't work anymore and gushes like a geyser.  Ugh, hate when that happens.  I put my happy face on and went to work each day praying the day would go by fast.  I was so so glad when school let out for vacation. 

The first week of vacation was spent getting ready for Christmas.  I was so not into it.  I dreaded going out to get gifts.  I did however manage to make a Christmas card this year.  It's the first one I've ever done.  I know there are people I forgot to send one too.  If you'd like to be on the list please send me your address so I can share with you next year.  

We also made Christmas cookies with friends.  That was highlight of the week.  

Sugar cookies and a great friend to catch up with.  Loved that time!

A key verse during this time for us was shared in the sermon series by Steve Stahl:

"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him.  Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." 

 Romans 15:13

Although I do have to admit that I would have been content with running away until the 26th.  

However, I needed to make this time special for Janell and Nathaniel. 

We spent Christmas Eve with Jason's parents.  We exchanged gifts.  His family gave me a beautiful necklace with a heart, cross, and a rose.  Perfect symbols to represent our lives (see previous post about roses).  We ate a yummy dinner and then headed home to get ready for church. 

I took the kids to the 11:00 Christmas Eve Service.  Jason was leading and I really wanted to be there, to be with him.  It was nice to worship with Jason and to hold Nathaniel as he snored away.  

Poor little guy fell asleep in the car on the way.  

I felt so blessed by that service and thinking about why we celebrate Christmas.  

I'm also blessed to have kids who are sleepers.  

They didn't get up until 9:00 on Christmas morning (I know you're jealous)!

    For Christmas we spent the day with my parents, brother, and sister and her family.  

It was nice to just relax.  We exchanged gifts and lounged around the house.  We enjoyed another turkey dinner and then lounged around some more. 

I did make sure to include Madelynn on Christmas.  There is a red tablecloth we sign every Thanksgiving and Christmas that we have at my parents house.  This tablecloth is covered with names and dates from those present at our holidays.  I believe it goes back more than 25 years.  It's fun to look at every time it comes out on the table.  So this year when I sat down to sign my name I knew I needed to include Madelynn.  So I wrote ^^MLC^^.   I didn't tell anyone I did it, but felt like she needed to be on there (and I knew I would burst out in tears if I did, I don't like crying in front of others).  I almost broke down once, but got it together.  So next year I will pull out my red tablecloth and add Madelynn to that one.

I have to admit I was thankful when December 26th came along.  

So, that's our holidays in a nutshell.  Yes, it there were times of great sadness, but there were also times of great blessings and enjoying time together with our family.

What I'm already working on for my next post:  

New Year brings New Hopes, New Goals, and New Challenges 

Fruit of the Spirit - Faithfulness

"But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  Against such things there is no law."  (NIV)

A few weekends ago I had the chance to share at the GateWay Women's Retreat.  The theme for the weekend was the Fruit of the Spirit.  Lisa, the women's coordinator, had been praying for the women that God would have share that weekend.  I was honored to be one of the those women and I would have an opportunity to share about faithfulness.

I spent time in prayer, and conversation with Jason about what I would share.  This wasn't going to be about what happened to me, but rather about being faithful when the unthinkable happens.

What does it mean to be faithful?

The dictionary defines faithfulness as:

*  full of faith

*  steadfast in affection or allegiance: loyal

*  firm in adherence to promises or in observance of duty: conscientious

*  given with strong assurance: binding

*  true to the facts, to a standard, or to an original

*  worthy of trust or belief: reliable  (online)

*  consistent with truth

I found this quote on a blog:

"Faithfulness includes continuing in the tasks that God has given us to complete.  To be faithful is to be consistent and reliable in our responsibilities.  To be continuous despite the trials and problems that may be thrown at us."

Some may wonder how is it possible to be faithful to or have faith in a God that would allow the loss of a baby?  This was the unthinkable situation we faced.  We even had a social worker in the hospital tell us that this tragedy would probably shake our faith!!  I sat in that hospital hours after finding out my daughter was gone and all I was thinking: I need this faith in God more than ever!!!!  We didn't sit there in fits of rage (like mentioned in Galatians 5:19), but instead found ourselves finding rest in the faithfulness we had that God was carrying us.  We had peace.  We genuinely felt that getting angry was not going to get us anywhere and we knew this understanding could only come from our relationship with God.

"Don't panic.  I'm with you.  There's no need to fear for I'm your God.  I'll give you strength.  I'll help you.  I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you.

Isaiah 41:10  The Message

Fruits of the Spirit we didn't even realize were a part of life were now put into practice.

I've already shared many of the examples of God's faithfulness through losing Madelynn.  Another example was my experience of joining a women's Bible study for the first time this summer.  The study was from the Deeper Still events by Kay Arthur, Priscilla Shirer, and Beth Moore.  The themes were Faithful, Abundant, and True.  The first two weeks were spent studying faithfulness.  Imagine that, faithfulness.  Kay Arthur spoke of being faithful.

Hebrews 11:1 The Message

The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living.  It's our handle on what we can't see.

("Jesus, you're my firm foundation.  I know I can stand secure."  For those of you who might be singing the song in your head right now!)

In this study she shares that one of the key points is being in His word.  "Rest of faith is uniting the word with faith and living in it at that very moment.  It's action of faith for today - for this moment, this situation."

"When you believe - put action to His truth - you enter His rest.  And that enables you to inherit His promises, to receive the full benefit of faith, and to please God."

Much of what she said involved spending time in scripture and knowing His word.  I thought I didn't know scripture.  Honestly, I don't have quiet times or do devotions and hadn't done a true Bible study in years. I could tell you what themes were in the Bible, but not where to find them.  I could tell you about how to be a good person and follow the basic principles of a Christ follower.  I did learn through this that my many years being involved in music ministry and being married to Jason has taught me God's word.  Here's just  a brief list of verses I sang in the form of songs in the last six months:

Romans 8:38-39

For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels nor principalities.  Nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers.  Nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

The song version

Deuteronomy 31:6  NIV

Be strong and courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you or forsake you.

2 Corinthians 8-9, 16

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed...Therefore we do not lose heart.  Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

These are just examples of God's word that I rested in during the grief process.  But it's not enough to know the songs.  I find myself having a desire to get into His word and find what else He has for me.  At the beginning of summer I found myself in an extreme phase of anxiety and worry about many things.  Jason put together a list of verses for the two of us to memorize.  This list is taped to my bathroom mirror.  I can honestly say that in reading those verses over and over again, the anxiety and worry is gone.  I can rest in his word.

Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down.  It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life.

Philippians 4:7  The Message

And really, can't we replace the word worry with any word that describe what is burdening us right now!

It's not always easy, there are many days of sadness and grief, but there are also days of joy in what God is teaching us.  Madelynn has blessed our lives and many others.  I am forever changed and want my life to be pleasing to God.  I choose to be faithful to Him as He has been faithful to me!

Have you experienced an unthinkable and knew God was carrying you through it even when it seemed like it was impossible?

Which of fruit of the spirit do you feel you want to be better at putting into practice in your own life?

Thank you so much for letting me share with you about God's faithfulness!!

Hoping that today you find His blessings for you!!

Music

My oh My!! Where did the summer go?  I can honestly say that we didn't really get a summer break.  We did get to enjoy a week in Avila!  That was the best vacation we have ever taken.  It was so nice to not have plans, sleep in, and just enjoy where the day took us!  It was so nice coming home feeling totally refreshed and connected as a family.  

The week after we got home began a horrendous string of dental appointments. I will just sum it up this way:  

• Nathaniel- one cleaning, two cavities, 3 appointments total 
• Janell- one cleaning, one orthodontic consultation, 4 appointments to get palate expander going, one appointment to get 3 teeth pulled,  6 appointments total
• Me- one cleaning, two cavities, referral to dr. in Fresno for gum grafts, surgery on two teeth,  5 appointments total with 3 more still scheduled as follow up.

So, I'm sure you get the picture.  This was the dental summer I suppose.  Which is a big deal because I fear the dentist, I fear teeth, and I get anxious taking the kids in while secretly I am thankful it's not me.  I put on my happy face for them explaining what is going to be happening.  Thankfully, we all made it through like troopers!  We are Crabtree's hear us roar!

While the kids and I were busy in the dentist office, Jason was busy working on his music.  He is blessed with an amazing gift for writing and playing music.  With this gift he also has a very humble spirit about it.  It is not about him but about how God is using him through music.  In the last 15 years Jason has taught himself to play guitar and started to write music.  He started leading worship in the high school group and through hard work and a servant's heart he has become the worship pastor at our church.  Jason used to tell me that if something ever happened to me or the kids he would never play guitar again.  He would stop the music.  

On February 18th, Jason found himself waiting in a small room by himself while I was prepping for a c-section.  He was only supposed to be in there for about 20 minutes.  However that changed when I had to be put under.  Jason spent about an hour and a half by himself while I was delivering Madelynn, all the while knowing that our little girl was not going to be with us.  During that time he prayed and read scripture.  The verse, Romans 8:38-39, came to him and became a life verse for us.  

"I'm absolutely convinced that nothing- living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable- absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.  God is calling His people.   

The Message Bible

He shared with me later that during those times he found himself not shunning music but rather having a strong to desire to play his guitar.  He just wanted to be playing.  Even during this time of the unthinkable, God was pressing upon him the desire to play music.

I was home for eight weeks to recover from the c-section.  It felt like life had come to a screeching halt.  We had lost our baby girl, Madelynn and a lifetime of memories that were to have been made.  Things had changed.  We started having talks about how we needed to prioritize our lives.  Things had gotten so busy and cookie cutter.   During this time Jason and I started to talk more about his music.  This came out of conversations about how we wanted to be in God's will and really wanted to live a life pleasing to Him. How could we be used during this tragic experience, how would God bless others through Madelynn?  

He had been in bands in the early years of our marriage and then on and off again through the years. Some time had passed since he focused on writing.  In these conversations we realized the importance for Jason to focus again on writing his own music.  He has so much to share.  Jason is so blessed to have a job where he gets to do what he is really passionate about, which is leading others into worship of our God.   Now we left like he needed to write more.  I told him I didn't want him to reach the end of his life and wished he would have done more with music.  After our talks we worked on getting things set for him to have a place to write and record his new music.  The office (and somehow the dining room) became a music room for him.  Jason started making connections with people and setting up times to play.  Last night he played at Cappela Coffee House in Exeter.  I have to admit it was so fun to see him up there playing.  He has a natural ability and talent which shows while he plays.  He is at ease playing and singing music.  Here he is playing.

  

I'll wrap this up.  I've been blessed to have a husband who seeks the will of God in our lives.  I'm just an excited wife that's so proud of her husband and how he's using his gifts.  There are so many new songs to share through what God is teaching us.  I look forward to seeing where God leads Jason through music!  If you have some time, check out his song, "Slow Down."

Thanks again to everyone who has come alongside of us during this time in our lives!  

We love and appreciate your kind words and prayers.

Continuing to find the blessings,

Denise