So I fibbed a little...or a lot!

I think I ended one of my last posts with something about not waiting so long to post.  

Well, um. yeah, that didn't go so well now did it!  

Does four to five months constitute a long time?  

This summer I embarked on a journey of discovering my passions.  

That kinda of sounds weird!  

I have found that I have a new perspective on life and for my life.  

God continues to guide me through coping with the loss of a baby, and 

He has taught me so much.  

Through this journey I have uncovered a new desire to create and be creative.  

I read things and see things on blogs that other ladies are creating.  

I twist them and tweak them to create something new. 

 I have landed on creating things making rosettes and turning them into jewelry and other things.  I just realized today that they are called ROSEttes. 

See previous post about roses to see how God is working in my life!

Here's a sample of what I'm doing:

I spend my time brainstorming what I can make and how I can start to sell them.  

I received many compliments on the necklaces and people are surprised I made them.  

I'm starting to look at ways are can sell them to supplement my income as I have begun to pray about other opportunities that will allow me to be more available to my husband and kids.

Oh, and reduce the stress level in my life.  

Today I embellished four bags, made one necklace, and two hairclips.  

I started setting up a facebook to get my stuff out there.  

I'll ask you to like it when it's ready :)  

I need to take some good pics of my stuff first.  

My little adventure is going to be called, "Finding the Blessings."  

It's all because of Madelynn that all this has come about.   

I do this in honor of her!  

So, I would say that I promise to post often now, but I don't want to set myself up for failure!

I invite you to join along with me on this journey and 

see what blessings are waiting to be showered upon us!

Until later and with many blessings,

Denise

C is for Cookie! The Chocolate Chip Kind!

I've been making chocolate chips cookies for many years.  Who hasn't made them? 

 Every time I take them somewhere I get complimented on their yumminess and asked how I make them.  Well, here's a picture collage of how I make them:

Are you drooling?  

Oh believe me, there was some sampling going on as in I had to check the cookie dough!  

One cookie "accidently" broke, so that one had to be put out of it's misery!

Here's the real quick on how I make my cookies:

Ingredients:

• Real Butter- softened, I use the microwave when I'm in a hurry.  But don't melt the butter.  
• (Thank you COS speech class and the girl who shared that tip in her speech.)  
• Sugar
• Brown Sugar
• Vanilla
• Eggs
• Unbleached flour- not sure if that makes a difference, but it could be the secret ;)
• Salt
• Baking Soda
• Semi-sweet chocolate chips

Recipe:

• Honestly, it's the one from the Nestle Tollhouse bag!
• I follow it!

What I do:

• Not sure they're really secrets.
• Soften the butter
• Mix sugars, butter, vanilla
• Add eggs one at a time, mix in between each egg!
• In a separate bowl mix the flour, baking soda, and salt (I use half a teaspoon of salt)
• Add a little at a time to the sugar mixture and mix well before each addition
• Mix in chocolate chips
• Start a baking the goodness.  I took a pic of the pan I use.  Some might say the pan is the secret!
• Bake about 10 minutes.  Remove from pan.  Eat Store for your taste buds' enjoyment!

I hope you get to make some chocolate chip cookies soon!  

Tomorrow my friends at work will get a yummy dessert after lunch!

Finding the Blessings,

Denise

Buried

It's that time of year where I feel absolutely 

buried in busyness, things that have to get done!  

Much like this:

I worry over how it will all get done.

 I put it off ,

I'm too overwhelmed to figure out where to start. 

I wish that someone could come along and pull me out:

Or better yet, 

come along aside me, 

take my hand, 

talk me through it, and 

walk with me:

Then I am reminded, 

there is someone who does take my hand and walks alongside me!

"Don't panic. I'm with you.
   There's no need to fear for I'm your God.
I'll give you strength. I'll help you.
   I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you."

Isaiah 41:10, The Message

I hope that the busyness of life doesn't overwhelm you, but that the love of God strengthens you today!

Finding the Blessings,

Denise

I'm Totally Obsessed...

Oh my how the time flies!!  Yikes, it's been almost three months since I posted on here.  I'm always thinking about what I want to post but haven't exactly prioritized my time to do so.

So, here I sit with a little time on my hands.  Dinner was cooked, devoured, and cleaned up and now I feel like I should post something.  I guess I will warp speed through the happenings of the last few months:

• I've been working on (praying) about making a move into school administration.  God hasn't opened the doors yet (in fact several have slammed shut) and I'm wandering if my future is even in public education. ( Being a part time working mom has also been on my heart.)  You'll see below about my many obsessions that I would like to explore.  Working kind of gets in the way ;)  Until that time, I've been praying about where God would have me so that I am my best and using the gifts he's given me as I serve Him.  Until then I will be teaching the fourth graders and Crestwood again next year.

• A new passion.  Many already know this but one of my lingering regrets with the passing of Madelynn is that I don't have pictures with her or of her.  No family pictures, etc.  Well, that lack of photographs has manifested in an obsession of photography.  In November I bought a really nice Canon camera and have been learning how to use it.  I love, love, love taking pictures.  I also love editing them, thank you picnik.com for your many fun features.  I done some fun "Photo Shoots" to practice my skills.  Here's a few samples of my "work":

• I also have an obsession with lurking on the blogosphere.  Did you know there is this whole world of creative people out there posting about their crafting adventures?  Well, there is!!   I lurk around these blogs and bookmark the projects that I'm convinced I will be undertaking.  I am somewhat of a stalker.  I haven't gotten to the point where I post comments.  I'm thinking I probably should.  I find that I'll start on one gal's blog and then lurk through 10 more and an hour later I'm convinced that I can repaint the entire inside of my house and make all the decorations to go with it!  And the best part, many of these ladies are Christian and their blogs show their love of the Lord!  I've already been inspired to go hunting for that one thing I'm going to bring back to life!  Janell and I went treasure hunting for the first time this weekend.  Oh the possibilities!  Hmm!

• What is your current obsession?  What is is that you really want to do but feel like you don't have the time?  I'm sure I'm not the only one out there who wants to be doing something else.  Would you share with me what you want to do?  I may get an idea for something I would want to do too!!

Until later (and I promise not three months later)...

Finding the Blessings,

Denise

The First Year

Yesterday we remembered our little girl, Madelynn Lorene.

She was born into Jesus' arms on February 18, 2010.

This was our first "anniversary" of her passing.

I have to say that Thursday was a harder day for me.  Lots of tears.  

It was a Thursday that she was born so my mind was flooded with memories of that day.  

I spent time looking for something special for her birthdate.  

Then spent some time driving in the foothills and taking pictures.  

I was reminded of God's awesome creation.

Part of me was dreading the 18th and what emotions would fill that day.

Jason and I talked about how we would honor Madelynn on her "birthdate."  

I've decided to call it her birthdate because it's just easier for me to say.  

February 18th will forever be the day we remember and honor our Madelynn.

I'd love to share with you how we honored Madelynn on her day.

I bought a flameless candle with an "M" on it.  This candle was lit all day yesterday on our shelf that holds all our physical memories of Madelynn.  It was so peaceful to look at it and see it flicker.  We left it on all day.  We decided this candle would stay on every year on her birthdate.  I have to say it really had an affect on me.  I was bothered when I turned it off last night.  So, I turned it back on today.  Janell said to me, "Mommy, did you see that Madelynn's candle is on today."  I told her I turned it on.  It made me feel good.  I think I'll be buying some stock in AAA batteries.

Both kids went to school yesterday.  Janell had a trip to see Cinderella and Nathaniel was concerned about not getting his perfect attendance pencil for February.  He was so cute though because he said it was alright if he missed school, he could just get the March pencil.  I picked up both kids at 12:00 from school.  We went to lunch, their choice.  After we ate we went and bought balloons.

We quietly drove to the cemetery.  

I would like to share with you in pictures what we did at the cemetery.

It was a very special time for our family.  After releasing the balloons we just had a time of being together at the cemetery.  We enjoyed the special rose that Uncle James brought to her.

Nathaniel is our sensitive one.  He was bothered that he didn't have anything to leave for Madelynn.  He kept asking why we didn't just lift up the stone and get her out.  He has such a sweet spirit.  I told him I had some paper in my purse and that he could write her a note.  Both kids decided to write a note to leave for her.

"For joy and love.  I miss you."  Nathaniel

"I love you and God too."  Janell

Our time in the cemetery with Madelynn was a very special time for our family.  I found myself not wanting to leave.  In that moment there was such a beautiful peace about us.  We have been blessed immeasurably and are thankful to a God who has seen us through the storm.

Our day ended with  all our family together.

Mommy, Daddy, Janell, and Nathaniel

Nana, Papa, Auntie Lisa, Jessica, Justine, and Alexis

Grandma, Grandpa, Uncle James, Auntie Kim, Kate, and Grandma Marge in spirit (she was home sick)

We enjoyed a pizza dinner at Me-n-Ed's and brownie sundaes back at our house.  Jason and I both agreed that it was so nice to be with our family on such a special day.  We are so thankful for all they have done for us during this time.  We also remember that they all suffered a loss as well.

We are so thankful for the prayers that have sustained us this past year.  We know that our lives have a new normal now as we are constantly reminded of the "should be's."  

But we also know what God's word tell us in Romans 8:38-39:

 "I'm absolutely convinced that nothing - nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, 

today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable - 

absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love 

because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us."

One day we'll see Madelynn again.  And until then we continue to seek God's will for our lives and use our experience to reach out and help others.

Thank you for taking the time to be a part of our lives.  

I look forward to sharing life with you!!

Gotta Love New Beginnings!!

I love January!  It's the time of year where I feel like I get "Do-overs!"  I start the week after Christmas and start thinking about what changes I'm going to make in the new year.  Of course these changes could be made at any time, but somehow they seem better when they coincide with the New Year.  So this year I sat down and took a hard look at what needed to change.

Here's my list:

1.  Spend more time in the word and on my relationship with God.

2.  Spend more QUALITY time with my kids and husband.

3.  No more excuses: it's time to get healthy!  (step one: no sodas, no sweets)

4.  Get the financially stable.  (code words: hasta la vista debt!)

5.  yadda, yadda, yadda,

Up First:

I don't know about you, but for me change is scary and bit overwhelming.  During the first week of January I had to come to terms with some issues and acknowledge that I needed some help.  The kind that comes from the doctor.  I have always been a very anxious person that worries about everything.  With every little ache or pain I put myself in the grave.  My family sweetly calls this being a "hypochondriac."  I also tend take on the pains and burdens of others around me.  I don't think this is a bad thing except for me it becomes something I dwell on.  Things that are out of my control plague my mind.  Add on top of that the grief of losing a child and I was pretty much a mess.  I was trying to keep it all together and under control.  I could handle this.  During these last few months I was praying and seeking a deeper relationship with God.  I was able to cast these burdens to Him and pour out my heart to Him.  I did find peace in those moments, but unfortunately my brain has a mind of it's own (okay that's funny, get it, my brain- mind of it's own).  My heart knew what I needed to do but my brain didn't cooperate.  It started to affect my health.  Waking up in the middle of the night feeling like I was going to have a panic attack, tightness in my chest, back ache, and on and on  (insert hypochondriac here).  I was even anxious about going to the doctor.  In the beginning of January I went in for my monthly b12 injection.  I quietly asked the receptionist if I could make an appointment because I was experiencing anxiety.  She looks at the nurse who had just called my name and asked if they could see me now.  "What, right now, uh okay!"  Thanks God!  I get the message.  I could feel my blood pressure rising.  I was waiting in the room for what seemed like forever planning what I would tell him and do it without breaking down.  When the doctor came in he asked, "What's going on?"  I crashed, the floodgates opened and I poured out my heart and what had been torturing my brain.  He asked me if I was depressed.  I replied that I didn't think I was, but yeah I probably was.  Next, the direction I dreaded going... "Do you think you're ready to take medicine?"  I didn't want to have to take pills to get this figured out.  I looked at him and nodded my head, yes.   I needed to take something to get this anxiety and depression under control.  I struggled with the idea that I should need medicine because God tells us to not be anxious or worried.  I also know that the last eleven months have been extremely difficult and I still needed to be aware of postpartum issues.  So here starts a new journey.  I have to face this head on.

So, I am now taking some medicine to help get things back in control in my brain.  But you know what, I feel better.  I still have some anxiety that I'm working on, but I'm hopeful.   I see the doctor next week for an update and will make sure everything is good physically.  I would certainly value and appreciate your prayers. I felt it was important to share this with you because people don't talk about things like this.  It's treated like a secret.  I know that there are many people who are struggling with anxiety and depression and I have a new appreciation for what that does to you.  I pray for those who are dealing with this as well and am thankful for those that have shared with me.  It's nice to not feel alone.

Oh,  yeah and back to that list.

With this new year I just closed my eyes and I'm going for it.  

It's now January 29th and the month has been good.  I'm eating better, spending time with my quality time with my family, being a good steward of what God has provided me, and reading and spending time God.  I have already finished an awesome book: Made to Crave (www.madetocrave.org).  It is about replacing those cravings for food with a craving for God as that is how he designed us: to crave Him.  I highly recommend you check it out.  Things are looking good on the homefront!! 

 I give Him all the glory for the healing and changes that are going on.

Well, speaking of quality family time, It's time for me to join them. 

 Last I heard we were renting a game for Family game night.  Sounds tiring ;)

One last thing:

We would treasure your prayers as we move into February.  

  We will be remembering our sweet Madelynn as she was born a year ago on February 18th.  

We are working on how we want to honor her each year.  We are all missing her greatly!

Thanks so much for spending some time with me!!

Our Holidays in a Nutshell

Well my oh my, it's been a bit of time since I wrote on here.  I think about it all the time but life has been so busy these last few months so I haven't sat down to write. I am not happy with how busy life is.  There are things I want to do but feel like I can't fit them into the day. I'm sure you know exactly what I mean. 

Just a short update about how we are:

We made it through the holidays. I really didn't want to be home for Thanksgiving or Christmas. 

For Thanksgiving we went with Jason's mom and dad to Disneyland.  It was really nice to all be together (I did miss my family as they were all together at home).  We spent three days in the Magic Kingdom.  We ate a traditional turkey dinner with Goofy and his pals and then enjoyed the snow and fireworks at Disneyland afterwards.  I enjoyed watching Janell and Nathaniel spending time with their Nana and Papa.  Such great memories created.

I have to admit that right after Thanksgiving I started feeling very sad again.  It was going to be our first holidays since Madelynn passed away.  There was supposed to be an addition to our holiday festivities.  Everywhere I looked I couldn't help but think about her and what should have been.  I didn't say anything to anyone and not to Jason.  He was so busy getting ready for the church Christmas program and I didn't want to burden him with how I was feeling.  The Monday after the program we had a chance to talk about how we were feeling.  We were both struggling and grieving the holidays.  I felt so much better after talking with him.  I have to remind myself to share with him about how I'm feeling instead of keeping it to myself.  I guess I'm afraid to make anyone feel sad and I have never liked to draw attention to myself.  So, I just deal with it in my own way.  That is until that doesn't work anymore and gushes like a geyser.  Ugh, hate when that happens.  I put my happy face on and went to work each day praying the day would go by fast.  I was so so glad when school let out for vacation. 

The first week of vacation was spent getting ready for Christmas.  I was so not into it.  I dreaded going out to get gifts.  I did however manage to make a Christmas card this year.  It's the first one I've ever done.  I know there are people I forgot to send one too.  If you'd like to be on the list please send me your address so I can share with you next year.  

We also made Christmas cookies with friends.  That was highlight of the week.  

Sugar cookies and a great friend to catch up with.  Loved that time!

A key verse during this time for us was shared in the sermon series by Steve Stahl:

"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him.  Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." 

 Romans 15:13

Although I do have to admit that I would have been content with running away until the 26th.  

However, I needed to make this time special for Janell and Nathaniel. 

We spent Christmas Eve with Jason's parents.  We exchanged gifts.  His family gave me a beautiful necklace with a heart, cross, and a rose.  Perfect symbols to represent our lives (see previous post about roses).  We ate a yummy dinner and then headed home to get ready for church. 

I took the kids to the 11:00 Christmas Eve Service.  Jason was leading and I really wanted to be there, to be with him.  It was nice to worship with Jason and to hold Nathaniel as he snored away.  

Poor little guy fell asleep in the car on the way.  

I felt so blessed by that service and thinking about why we celebrate Christmas.  

I'm also blessed to have kids who are sleepers.  

They didn't get up until 9:00 on Christmas morning (I know you're jealous)!

    For Christmas we spent the day with my parents, brother, and sister and her family.  

It was nice to just relax.  We exchanged gifts and lounged around the house.  We enjoyed another turkey dinner and then lounged around some more. 

I did make sure to include Madelynn on Christmas.  There is a red tablecloth we sign every Thanksgiving and Christmas that we have at my parents house.  This tablecloth is covered with names and dates from those present at our holidays.  I believe it goes back more than 25 years.  It's fun to look at every time it comes out on the table.  So this year when I sat down to sign my name I knew I needed to include Madelynn.  So I wrote ^^MLC^^.   I didn't tell anyone I did it, but felt like she needed to be on there (and I knew I would burst out in tears if I did, I don't like crying in front of others).  I almost broke down once, but got it together.  So next year I will pull out my red tablecloth and add Madelynn to that one.

I have to admit I was thankful when December 26th came along.  

So, that's our holidays in a nutshell.  Yes, it there were times of great sadness, but there were also times of great blessings and enjoying time together with our family.

What I'm already working on for my next post:  

New Year brings New Hopes, New Goals, and New Challenges