Here's my list:
1. Spend more time in the word and on my relationship with God.
2. Spend more QUALITY time with my kids and husband.
3. No more excuses: it's time to get healthy! (step one: no sodas, no sweets)
4. Get the financially stable. (code words: hasta la vista debt!)
5. yadda, yadda, yadda,
I don't know about you, but for me change is scary and bit overwhelming. During the first week of January I had to come to terms with some issues and acknowledge that I needed some help. The kind that comes from the doctor. I have always been a very anxious person that worries about everything. With every little ache or pain I put myself in the grave. My family sweetly calls this being a "hypochondriac." I also tend take on the pains and burdens of others around me. I don't think this is a bad thing except for me it becomes something I dwell on. Things that are out of my control plague my mind. Add on top of that the grief of losing a child and I was pretty much a mess. I was trying to keep it all together and under control. I could handle this. During these last few months I was praying and seeking a deeper relationship with God. I was able to cast these burdens to Him and pour out my heart to Him. I did find peace in those moments, but unfortunately my brain has a mind of it's own (okay that's funny, get it, my brain- mind of it's own). My heart knew what I needed to do but my brain didn't cooperate. It started to affect my health. Waking up in the middle of the night feeling like I was going to have a panic attack, tightness in my chest, back ache, and on and on (insert hypochondriac here). I was even anxious about going to the doctor. In the beginning of January I went in for my monthly b12 injection. I quietly asked the receptionist if I could make an appointment because I was experiencing anxiety. She looks at the nurse who had just called my name and asked if they could see me now. "What, right now, uh okay!" Thanks God! I get the message. I could feel my blood pressure rising. I was waiting in the room for what seemed like forever planning what I would tell him and do it without breaking down. When the doctor came in he asked, "What's going on?" I crashed, the floodgates opened and I poured out my heart and what had been torturing my brain. He asked me if I was depressed. I replied that I didn't think I was, but yeah I probably was. Next, the direction I dreaded going... "Do you think you're ready to take medicine?" I didn't want to have to take pills to get this figured out. I looked at him and nodded my head, yes. I needed to take something to get this anxiety and depression under control. I struggled with the idea that I should need medicine because God tells us to not be anxious or worried. I also know that the last eleven months have been extremely difficult and I still needed to be aware of postpartum issues. So here starts a new journey. I have to face this head on.
So, I am now taking some medicine to help get things back in control in my brain. But you know what, I feel better. I still have some anxiety that I'm working on, but I'm hopeful. I see the doctor next week for an update and will make sure everything is good physically. I would certainly value and appreciate your prayers. I felt it was important to share this with you because people don't talk about things like this. It's treated like a secret. I know that there are many people who are struggling with anxiety and depression and I have a new appreciation for what that does to you. I pray for those who are dealing with this as well and am thankful for those that have shared with me. It's nice to not feel alone.
Oh, yeah and back to that list.
With this new year I just closed my eyes and I'm going for it.
It's now January 29th and the month has been good. I'm eating better, spending time with my quality time with my family, being a good steward of what God has provided me, and reading and spending time God. I have already finished an awesome book: Made to Crave (www.madetocrave.org). It is about replacing those cravings for food with a craving for God as that is how he designed us: to crave Him. I highly recommend you check it out. Things are looking good on the homefront!!
I give Him all the glory for the healing and changes that are going on.
Well, speaking of quality family time, It's time for me to join them.
Last I heard we were renting a game for Family game night. Sounds tiring ;)
One last thing:
We would treasure your prayers as we move into February.
We will be remembering our sweet Madelynn as she was born a year ago on February 18th.
We are working on how we want to honor her each year. We are all missing her greatly!
Thanks so much for spending some time with me!!