Recovering

I have slacked off on my posting.

I contribute it to needing to recover.

We have passed Madelynn's birthday.

We celebrated.
It was special.

Last week and even now, I'm exhausted.

The last three days I've been knocked on my booty by a horrendous allergy headache.

It might also be stress.

You know things like:

house flooding, challenging 4th graders, anxiety to get stuff done, and on and on.

Report cards and conferences are supposed to be next week.
Holy cow!

How did that creep up on me?

So, I promise to get it together and get my daily themes going again.
I just need some time to recover.

To rest.

Tonight's thought about Madelynn comes from Nathaniel.

He's reading his bug book on my bed.

He says, "I'm so glad none of us have died.

  Well, except Madelynn.

She died.

I wish she was here with us.

On this bed listening to me read.

That would be perfect."

Yes, Nathaniel, that would be perfect!

Finding the Blessings,
Denise

Happy 2nd Birthday Madelynn!

On the morning of Madelynn's birthday we went to the cemetery.

Nathaniel had picked out a cute teddy bear for her.

We picked out a birthday balloon the night before.

Grandma and Grandpa met us there.

After a moment with her at the cemetery we picked up Auntie Lisa and cousins, Jessica and Alexis.

We all headed to Morro Bay.

If Madelynn was with us she would have taken trips with us to the beach.

So I wanted to release balloons at the beach.

My words are few for the blessing that day was.

So I will share with you in pictures.

 Happy Birthday Madelynn!

Oh how we miss you greatly, but rejoice knowing that you are in paradise with our Creator.

We are blessed to have carried you with us for 36 weeks and to carry you for the rest of our lives.

We love you a lot a lot!

Finding the blessings,

Denise


Linking over here to share with others
 

What I Wore...

Well, what do you know, it's another What I Wore Wednesday.

It's a much needed break from the somber feeling I've been sportin this week.

So for fun and inspiration I'm linking up again with Lindsey at The Pleated Poppy.

Go check out what ladies are putting together out of their closets!

So hows about we have some fun around here!

I know you're thinking, "Who's that celebrity with the big glasses taking pics of herself?"

This was another work day. No jeans, oh my!

Look out, I went there..the full body shot.

I have wanted a ruffly tank top for a long time.

I found this one at Kohl's Saturday night.

The nicer, suitable for work, jeans were only $10!

In fact I came away with a good haul thanks to 40% off their clearance racks.

3 pairs of pants,

4 tank tops,

1 blouse,

$85.00

This was my Sunday, church day, outfit.

It just so happened that Janell followed my color scheme.

Love her lots and lots!!

This was my Valentine's day outfit.

I got the shirt for super cheap, thanks Kohls.!

It's a sheer material and has a satiny tank underneath.

I guess it's like a peasant style top. So flowy, I actually danced around the field at recess. hehe

It tied in the back and was shorter in the front.

It's comfy to wear but I see here it's not exactly figure flattering.

I had a full body shot, but I just couldn't bring myself to share it.

I hate clothes that might lead friends and strangers to ask themselves (or me), "Is she pregnant?"

That's the last thing I need anyone to ask me!

This outfit can be best described like this, "Girl, get your act together and let go of that extra fluff!"

On a more positive note, the shoes were great!

Matched perfect to the colors in the blouse.

They were only $7.98 at Target.

Man I love those red stickers.

The hair clip is one of my creations.

Gotta wrap this up, I'm getting my hairs cut and styled tonight!

Hooray, my bangs need it!

Plus the time with a good friend is always, always a bonus!

Finding the blessings,

Denise

Love Is...

The Way of Love

1 Corinthians 13: 1-8

The Message

If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't LOVE,

I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.

If I speak God's Word with power,

revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day,

and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps,

but I don't LOVE, I'm nothing.

If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to burned as a martyr,

but I don't LOVE, I've gotten nowhere.

So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do,

I'm bankrupt without LOVE.

LOVE never gives up.

LOVE cares more for others than for self.

LOVE doesn't want what it doesn't have.

LOVE:

 doesn't strut,

Doesn't have a swelled head,

Doesn't force itself on others,

Isn't always, "me first,"

Doesn't fly off the handle,

Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,

Doesn't revel when others grovel,

LOVE:

Takes pleasures in the flowering of truth,

Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,

Always looks for the best,

Never looks back,

But keeps going to the end.

LOVE never dies.

Today is/was Valentine's day.

My daddy brought me flowers to school.

We shared a moment.

I came home to beautiful roses from my husband.

Then the evening began.

It was spent with a daughter with a tummy ache,

four people trying to agree on where to go to dinner,

a tired and irritable mommy,

and then something changed all that.

As I was putting the loves in this passage in bold and capital letters,

Jason calls me to come downstairs.

I knew our friends had stopped over to give some paperwork to Jason.

I didn't think I needed to come down.

As I walk down the stairs I see the couple sitting at the table with Jason.

They've come to ask him to marry them this evening.

A day devoted to love, chosen to begin their lives together.

I'll be honest, at first I was a bit nervous.

You want to do what? right now?

Then Jason started sharing about marriage.

Mind you he wasn't exactly prepared for this moment.

But clearly God had ordained it, as the perfect words flowed from him.

Words to encourage, to build on, and remind them that God has to be the foundation.

Jason reads the same passage I had just finished typing.

He asks them to read it to each other putting themselves in the passage.

"I will never give up..."

I watched as they looked into each other's eyes.

It was evident that they love each other and were excited to become one in His eyes.

My Valentine's day ended as a witness to a new marriage beginning.

An incredible experience.

Intimate and personal.

Remembering that we love because He first loved us.

Finding the blessings,

Denise

Two Years Old

Disclaimer:

Today's post is raw emotion.

It's where I'm at right now.

It might induce tears.

It's my journey in life.

It's Madelynn's 2nd birthday...

I just finished rolling out 32 jumbo heart cookies for my class to decorate tomorrow.

Cookies are baking and I'm blogging.
But my heart isn't into it, the cookies that is.

I wanted something to do for my school kids tomorrow.

But I just can't bring myself to do go all out.

For the last three years, I've "hosted" a formal dessert with them.

They decorated their tables, centerpieces and all.

We talked about manners.

Candles were lit.

Kids were dressed nice.
My mom came and helped me.

We served them.

Two years ago the dessert was my final activity with my kids before going on maternity leave.

It was a fun time for all of us.

Then holidays changed forever for me.

Especially Valentines Day.

I am now in the week of Madelynn's birth.

I remember everything.

I remember what I did each day.
It's like a movie in my head.

Constant flashbacks.

For example on Monday of this week we went to Fresno to get baby stuff.

Goal: the perfect diaper bag.

I couldn't decide on anything.

Jason even offered to take me back across town to look again at another store.

It was that day that things seemed different with Madelynn.

Was she moving less?

Why didn't I go to the doctor that day?

I still felt movement so I figured, Big Baby, no room.

Deep down I feared something was wrong.

I've been thinking all day about what to blog about.

My mind is flooded and it's exhausting.

Just sitting here brings tears to my eyes.

Jason wanted me to share some lyrics he wrote just after Madelynn died.

It's an unfinished song, but pieces of his heart that beautifully reflect this journey:

I will never be the same I’ve been changed forever

My heart is breaking deep within Collapsing underneath the pressure

I find myself in new terrain Uncharted territory

In just a spoken simple phrase Life has changed my story

Yeah you carried me on your wings yeah you sheltered me with your wings

And You loved me until I couldn't see the world you wrapped your loving arms around me and my little girl

you loved me put us in your warm embrace it comforts me to know that she is standing in your grace (looking on your face)

yeah you loved me yeah you loved me

Its like learning to breathe again or walking for the first time

you live life a different way you sing a different rhyme

its comes on like a summer rain emotions flood my soul

but I am anchored to the one who’s always in control

Yeah you carried me on your wings yeah you sheltered me with your wings

And You loved me until I couldn't see the world you wrapped your loving arms around me and my little girl

you loved me put us in your warm embrace it comforts me to know that she is standing in your grace (looking on your face)

yeah you loved me yeah you loved me

This week our hearts are breaking all over again.

We are okay, we have God's peace and comfort.

But the ache is still there longing for our baby girl, our toddler who should've been.

Please pray for us this week.

We are working on our plans to celebrate her on Saturday, her 2nd birthday.

You can read how we celebrated Madelynn on her 1st birthday here.

To our family and friends:

I'll be a little quieter, a little more withdrawn, 

only because I don't want to have a total break down in front of everyone.

I already cried in front of my class on Friday while I was sharing how important it is to care for others.

Don't ask me how I'm doing (and I don't mean that in a rude way), because I'll just start crying.

I know I have a whole circle of very caring and loving friends, family, and coworkers.

I am thankful for that and deeply blessed.

I promise I am not going crazy or sinking into a deep depression.

I'm just sad.

But I know, Madelynn is in the presence of the Creator.

She has only know the perfect peace and love that comes from Him.

We will carry her with us forever.

And what rejoicing there will be when we are reunited with her.

Finding the blessings,

Denise

A Call to Prayer!

It's Thursday and it's time to get thankful!

I have so much to be thankful for in my life.

I have a job.

I have my health.

My kids are healthy.

My husband is here with me.

I share this because tonight I want to ask you to be in prayer for families that don't have these things.

These are people I know.

I won't be using names because I haven't specifically asked them if I could share about them.

But the burdens are heavy, and they need us to be in prayer for them!

* A dear friend who on Tuesday morning was told that the company

he worked for was essentially shutting down.

Times are tough for local businesses.

More than 20 years with this family of workers. 

Prayer for new adventures that await.

The perfect place for his skills and passions.

The peace of knowing that God has a plan!

Letting God move in that plan!

* The family of the Vice President of that same company,

who suffered a major heart attack and died while in the midst of informing his workers of this turn of events.

A stressful position to be in.

Sadly, a life taken away too soon.

A wife and son (a junior in high school and former student) shocked beyond belief.

A doubt that this couldn't possibly be happening.

Surely the love of her life would be walking in the door at any moment like he always had after work.

A wife and son left to wonder what were the last words they shared.

What would they do now?

* The mother who sits by her son's beside in the hospital.

A mother who knows the grief and the pain of losing a child twice over.

Who prays earnestly that she will not experience this pain a third time.

A head injury and an uncertain future at the moment.

Painfully, a repeated history as she remembers sitting by her

son's bedside hoping that his brain would begin working.

A horrific accident causing a life ending injury of her high school son.

Her only living child now laying in bed.

I imagine the memories are unescapable.

She sits in the hospital chapel as she feels God's comfort and fills with His strength.

A church praying for her and her son.

God, please bring this son back to health.

Please spare this mother the pain.

* The family of student of mine who will travel to UCSF to be rejoined with the youngest daughter.

Next week she will be having surgery on her brain.

I don't know all the details, but I do know the burden this family carries is great.

Young children scared for their little sister.

A fourth grade boy who be a little man and support his mom and dad.

Be with the surgeons who will perform this very intricate surgery.

May the mom and dad feel comfort and peace.

There is so much to be thankful for.

I pray that these families are able to see God's hand at work.

My heart is burdened for them.

Please say a pray for these families before you leave this post.

Finding the blessings,

Denise

What I Wore

It has become quite a priority to make sure I take a picture of what I'm wearing each morning.

I have found myself being challenged to try new things.

Or rather old things in the closet that haven't seen the light of day in years.

Oh, and I love editing on picnik because of the simple use of the airbrush tool.

Love that!  Wish I could airbrush myself every day!

So here's what I wore:

Decided to try something new with my hair.

I bought that headband at the Claire's outlet for $1.00.

Score!

It ties around in the back.

The jacket and tank top are from Lane Bryant.

Jeans are probably from Target.

 Smile pretty! and get those teeth whitened! Yikes!

Taking these pics I realize girl's gotta start wearing some lip color!

The top is from Target, years ago.

The necklace from Cost Plus World Market.

Jeans: Fashion Bug

Hair Clip: me, Finding the Blessings

 Must be a work day.

I broke out the fancy top.

I can count on my hands how many times I've worn a button up shirt in the last 10 years.

I have an issue with gappage! I know some of you ladies here me on this one!

This shirt was from, yeah, well, umm, I don't remember.

The blue tank hanging out underneath with pretty lace is from Lane Bryant.

Black Jeans: Lane Bryant.

 Awe, I just love the look to the side pose!

What do you suppose I see?

This sweater is from Kmart!  Yes Kmart, who'd thunk it?

The necklace is from my Grandma Ethel.

It's the kind with make-up in it.

I believe it's rouge!

It's has pretty birds on it.

The hair clip: Me again, Finding the Blessings.

So last time I said I never wear dresses.

This was a stretch for me.

An attempt to be hip!

The dress is from Forever 21 (I think, bought it at Ross).

The black cardigan/shell thinga-ma-bopper is from Target.

The necklace: a Denise creation, Finding the Blessings.

Not scene: the leggings from Ross and boots from Target.

Comfy and dressy all in one!

I do clean up nicely if I do say so myself!

Ok, well I'm off to Small Group to begin our 40 days in the word.

See you next Wednesday with what I wore!

Gotta start getting creative.

Finding the Blessings,

Denise

I've link up here for inspiration from others:

Memorizing Scripture

Our kids go to Awanas on Wednesday nights.

It is a program where memorizing verses is a major emphasis.

Well a few weeks ago I was scolded informed that the boy child needed some help with his book work.

I will be the first to admit that we haven't put much time into working in the books during the week.

However, since the ending of our satellite, it's amazing where you find time!

Shame, shame on me!
I'm also not exactly the best role model for memorizing scripture.
I used to memorize things very easily.
I'd study the night before and bam, have it committed to memory.
Problem was I couldn't remember after that day.

Anywho,
I was helping the boy child yesterday memorize Psalm 23.
It dawned on me that perhaps I should find a song for him.
Read here where I talked about knowing scripture through songs.
After all so many verses are turned into songs.
I found the perfect song for him.
It was kids singing Psalm 23.
So needless to say, I've been singing Psalm 23.

The Lord is my shepherd,
I shall not be in want.


I am a child of King.  My needs are met. 
God, help me to align my wants with your desires for me.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters.

Be still, lie down, and rest.
I seek to put aside the stresses of this world so that I might quiet my heart and mind

He restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
For His name's sake.

He lays a path before me.
Sometimes I think I treat that path like a balance beam.
Teetering, trying to keep my balance on His path for me.
Treating it like a narrow path.
His will to one side, the world to the other.
Sometimes I jump off the beam and walk the side of the world.
It doesn't end well, it doesn't feel good.
Thankfully He restores me when I've failed.
I need to allow Him guide me on the wide path He's laid out.

Even though I walk through the valley
Of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

Um, yeah, the world is a rough place to live.
Stuff happens.
Tragedy hits us, no smacks us!
I'm thankful that I can have peace knowing He is with me.
He comforts me.

You prepare a table before me
In the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup overflows.

I'm blessed beyond measure.
My cup really does overflow.
I need to remind myself of this daily.
Even when I'm dealing with difficult people and need to remember that he has blessed me.
I need to be reminded to let God shine through me.


Surely goodness and love
Will follow me all the days of my life,
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

Yes! I've accepted the free gift from God.
I will dwell in His house forever.
When it rains, when it pours, His goodness and love will be there.
It may seem hard to find, but it will be there!

Psalm 23: 1-6

Now let's sing it together!
Okay, so boy child just read this over my shoulder and started la laaing in my ear!
He's stalling for bath time.
Okay, gotta get ready to rest!

Finding the blessings,
Denise


Linked up over here:

Ways I Cope with Other's Happiness

I can't believe that next Saturday will be Madelynn's 2nd birthdate.

The time goes by so fast, yet the memories stay the same.

Sometimes I feel like it's actually in slow motion.

Every detail, every event, every word uttered,

frozen in time and constantly repeated.

At the lifestage that I'm in it is inevitable that I will be around pregnant friends and babies.

My sister had just had her first daughter eight months before.

I'm okay with that because I have a daughter too.

I rationalize other's experiences to cope with it.

I was pregnant with Madelynn right along with a dear friend.

We would status update the woes of pregnancy.

Post on each other's walls.

Check in on each other.

It was fun to have someone to be pregnant alongside with.

Her little boy was due at the beginning of March.

Madelynn was a scheduled c-section on the 8th of March.

I'm pretty sure we even had them betrothed to each other at one point.

On February 18th of 2010, our journey changed.

A life expected, plans made came to a grinding halt.

Dreams destroyed.

A family devastated.

In those first days home I kept thinking about my friend who was expecting her son.

I had a strong feeling that I needed to reach out to her to let her know I was okay.

I sent her a message on Facebook on February 22nd:

I'm sure you have heard what has happened in our family. You have been heavy on my heart and mind. I want you to know I am praying for you as I know how hard news like this would be for me. I know I don't have the right words to say right now and my brain is overwhelmed and full of things I want to share. I just felt a strong need to send you a note. We are blessed with a strong support system and have definitely experienced the power of prayer.  If you have any questions about what happened please know that you can ask me about it. You are in the zone now and will meet your little guy very soon. Just know that we are praying for you and your family as well.

Love, 

Denise 

I didn't know what to say, just felt like I needed to say something.

I know that if I had a good friend lose their child at the same time mine was due I would be scared.

I was so relieved when she responded back.

I have been overwhelmed by your message and unable to write you back until tonight. When I heard your news, I didn't know how I could ever face you again without bringing you anything but pain. I was so surprised and humbled when I read your note on Monday. Thank you so much for your prayers. Your heart is a true testimony to the love of Christ. Thank you also for being willing to share with me. I will call you if I feel like I need to.
Please know that you are also in my prayers throughout the day, specifically that you would find God to be everything that you need during this trial. ***** and I are lifting your family up to Him!

Love,

I felt at peace sharing with her.

You see, it was easy for me to open that communication with her because I made it okay in my mind.

She was pregnant with her second child, a son. 

Her first born was a girl.

My first born was a girl.

My second child, a son.

So in my mind she was blessed with her son just like I was.

I disconnected my third child, Madelynn from her experience.

This made us the same.

In fact, while I was on maternity leave I took a Scotty's maple bar and soda to her house for a visit.

Can you believe this gal had never had one?

Those of you not from our town, 

I hope you have a great donut store with fountain drinks served over crushed ice!

We visited.

I asked how she was adjusting to two kids.

I shared how I was doing.

I shared how I was okay being with her and her son because I had a son.

Being with her was okay.

It didn't hurt.

Now in the last week this friend has walked this journey with another friend.

She has asked me about ways to support her friend.

I feel blessed that I have been able to help a friend support her friend on this unwanted journey.

I cope with other's happiness by finding the blessings in all this crazy rain.

In those first months my brain was on auto pilot.

I rationalized everything to make it okay and tolerable.

I find the connections to my own life so that I could cope and

not focus on what was taken away from me.

I will say that I think things have gotten somewhat harder as time has passed.

The ache to hold her in my arms never goes away.

But I will save that for another post.

Finding the blessings,

Denise

Weekend Wrap-up!

UGH!

Another weekend town the drain!

I didn't get much accomplished as far as projects go.

Friday after work I headed over to Visalia Emergency Aid thrift shop.

The first Friday of the month everything is 50% off.

I bought some glass stemware and candle holders to use for cake/platter stands.

Saturday I scored a white oval platter, bowl, and some salad plates.

All total the haul was about $25.00
I'd call that good.

Thanks to pinterest I've got some table setting ideas and gift ideas.

Saturday I saw a work email that said the area administrator was coming Monday morning for a visit.

Whaaaaat!  

I need to change my objectives out.

I'm doing what I'm supposed to be but that need to please and not get in trouble part of me plagues me.

Thank God for the follow up email today that says he's not coming tomorrow.

Whew!

I still got the objectives ready but don't feel an added burden.

Today I overslept and missed church.

I've been really exhausted lately.

We went to our good friends' house to watch the Super Bowl.

Well, Jason watched and I chatted away with my friend.

Not sure what the kids were doing :)

Really, isn't Super Bowl just about the food and the visiting?

Today I was thinking of a few of my most memorable Super Bowls (I don't remember the years):

The year Michael Jackson was the half time show.

I was in jr. hi or hi school.

The youth group party was at Steve Stahl's house.

Jody Bowser was the youth pastor.

The memorable event taking a poll to see how many times Michael Jackson would grab himself.

For some reason the number 13 comes to mind.

The year we went to Corcoran to watch the Super Bowl with my Grandpa.

He had recently suffered a stroke and had neck surgery.

He loved to watch football.

I remember sitting on the couch while he cheered from his recliner.

I can hear is raspy voice now as I type this.

The year of the famous wardrobe malfunction.

We had people over at our house.

I think it was college kids.

It was the end of the half time show.

And hello Janet Jackson.

Everyone asking,

"Did it just show her ******?"

Everyone laughing...

It's fun to be together with friends.

To cheer and to laugh.

To watch the kids all getting along with each other.

To eat yummy 3 layer bean dip, chocolate cookies, brownies, and more.

Being with people you love is just plain fun!!

Finding the blessings,

Denise

Lists

Sometimes I like to make lists.

Lists of things to do, things to buy, things to get rid.

There's a thrill is completing something on the list.

A sense of accomplishment that you're one step closer to the finish line.

Getting a to do list to done.

Tonight I want to start a list.

This list has no end.

It is simply a list of things I am thankful for.

A reflection of the big and small things,

all gifts from God.

In 2010, Ann Voskamp wrote a book titled One Thousand Gifts

"A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are!"

I had started reading her blog not long after Madelynn had passed away.

She write the truths of life as a daughter of Christ, a farmer's wife, a mommy, and about God.

And all with such beautiful words and photographs.

You can see for yourself at her blog "Holy Experience"

I so anticipated her book release.

A list of one thousand gifts.

To hear her words as she shared about living fully right where you are.

Of giving thanks to the God who created us.

A dare to record the things in our lives deserving of our thanks.

Please take a moment to visit her blog and learn more about her book and her life.

You will be blessed!

So here my list of thanks begins:

1- that tomorrow is Friday, it seems silly to say, a day closer to the weekend 

of time not divided by work but only focused on family

2- a 10 year old daughter who cleaned her room and unloaded the dishwasher without whining

I told her how nice an evening it was, us all working together

3- my husband who works so hard during the week preparing to lead others into a place of worship,

who has taught me how to let go and worship

4- a comfortable bed to lay down in after a day of nonstop work

teaching, homework, cleaning

5- the desire I have to create things, to make things beautiful

6- the peace that comes with seeking out God's will

7- the boy child who has a quick wit and helps keeps a constant stream of laughter in our house

8- a baby born into Jesus' arms who taught us so much about love and cherishing the moment

9- long hugs that make me feel safe and remind me that all will be okay

10- courage to open up about things one might keep hidden, 

knowing that it is a source of help and comfort to others traveling the same journey

What are you thankful for tonight?

Finding the blessings,

Denise