Monday, February 13, 2012

Two Years Old

Disclaimer:
Today's post is raw emotion.
It's where I'm at right now.
It might induce tears.
It's my journey in life.
It's Madelynn's 2nd birthday...

I just finished rolling out 32 jumbo heart cookies for my class to decorate tomorrow.
Cookies are baking and I'm blogging.
But my heart isn't into it, the cookies that is.
I wanted something to do for my school kids tomorrow.
But I just can't bring myself to do go all out.

For the last three years, I've "hosted" a formal dessert with them.
They decorated their tables, centerpieces and all.
We talked about manners.
Candles were lit.
Kids were dressed nice.
My mom came and helped me.
We served them.

Two years ago the dessert was my final activity with my kids before going on maternity leave.
It was a fun time for all of us.

Then holidays changed forever for me.
Especially Valentines Day.
I am now in the week of Madelynn's birth.
I remember everything.
I remember what I did each day.
It's like a movie in my head.
Constant flashbacks.



For example on Monday of this week we went to Fresno to get baby stuff.
Goal: the perfect diaper bag.
I couldn't decide on anything.
Jason even offered to take me back across town to look again at another store.
It was that day that things seemed different with Madelynn.
Was she moving less?
Why didn't I go to the doctor that day?
I still felt movement so I figured, Big Baby, no room.
Deep down I feared something was wrong.

I've been thinking all day about what to blog about.
My mind is flooded and it's exhausting.
Just sitting here brings tears to my eyes.




Jason wanted me to share some lyrics he wrote just after Madelynn died.
It's an unfinished song, but pieces of his heart that beautifully reflect this journey:

I will never be the same I’ve been changed forever
My heart is breaking deep within Collapsing underneath the pressure
I find myself in new terrain Uncharted territory
In just a spoken simple phrase Life has changed my story

Yeah you carried me on your wings yeah you sheltered me with your wings
And You loved me until I couldn't see the world you wrapped your loving arms around me and my little girl
you loved me put us in your warm embrace it comforts me to know that she is standing in your grace (looking on your face)
yeah you loved me yeah you loved me

Its like learning to breathe again or walking for the first time
you live life a different way you sing a different rhyme
its comes on like a summer rain emotions flood my soul
but I am anchored to the one who’s always in control

Yeah you carried me on your wings yeah you sheltered me with your wings
And You loved me until I couldn't see the world you wrapped your loving arms around me and my little girl
you loved me put us in your warm embrace it comforts me to know that she is standing in your grace (looking on your face)
yeah you loved me yeah you loved me

This week our hearts are breaking all over again.
We are okay, we have God's peace and comfort.
But the ache is still there longing for our baby girl, our toddler who should've been.
Please pray for us this week.
We are working on our plans to celebrate her on Saturday, her 2nd birthday.
You can read how we celebrated Madelynn on her 1st birthday here.

To our family and friends:
I'll be a little quieter, a little more withdrawn, 
only because I don't want to have a total break down in front of everyone.
I already cried in front of my class on Friday while I was sharing how important it is to care for others.
Don't ask me how I'm doing (and I don't mean that in a rude way), because I'll just start crying.
I know I have a whole circle of very caring and loving friends, family, and coworkers.
I am thankful for that and deeply blessed.
I promise I am not going crazy or sinking into a deep depression.
I'm just sad.

But I know, Madelynn is in the presence of the Creator.
She has only know the perfect peace and love that comes from Him.
We will carry her with us forever.
And what rejoicing there will be when we are reunited with her.

video

Finding the blessings,
Denise

3 comments:

  1. Thank you. May His love, strength and grace especially sustain you this week.

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  2. We are, and will continue to pray for you guys, especially this week. We love you guys.

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  3. Just reread your post on Madelynn's last birthdate. I'm not sure how to say this, but I've always been in awe of the ways that you guys have tangibly helped your children with the grief and loss and holding on and remembering. The creative ways you guys come up with to help all of you connect and express things is just beautiful. I just have such respect for you guys and such amazement for how you've helped your children in this journey.

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