Monday, February 6, 2012

Ways I Cope with Other's Happiness

I can't believe that next Saturday will be Madelynn's 2nd birthdate.
The time goes by so fast, yet the memories stay the same.
Sometimes I feel like it's actually in slow motion.
Every detail, every event, every word uttered,
frozen in time and constantly repeated.

At the lifestage that I'm in it is inevitable that I will be around pregnant friends and babies.
My sister had just had her first daughter eight months before.
I'm okay with that because I have a daughter too.
I rationalize other's experiences to cope with it.

I was pregnant with Madelynn right along with a dear friend.
We would status update the woes of pregnancy.
Post on each other's walls.
Check in on each other.
It was fun to have someone to be pregnant alongside with.
Her little boy was due at the beginning of March.
Madelynn was a scheduled c-section on the 8th of March.
I'm pretty sure we even had them betrothed to each other at one point.

On February 18th of 2010, our journey changed.
A life expected, plans made came to a grinding halt.
Dreams destroyed.
A family devastated.

In those first days home I kept thinking about my friend who was expecting her son.
I had a strong feeling that I needed to reach out to her to let her know I was okay.
I sent her a message on Facebook on February 22nd:

I'm sure you have heard what has happened in our family. You have been heavy on my heart and mind. I want you to know I am praying for you as I know how hard news like this would be for me. I know I don't have the right words to say right now and my brain is overwhelmed and full of things I want to share. I just felt a strong need to send you a note. We are blessed with a strong support system and have definitely experienced the power of prayer.  If you have any questions about what happened please know that you can ask me about it. You are in the zone now and will meet your little guy very soon. Just know that we are praying for you and your family as well.

I didn't know what to say, just felt like I needed to say something.
I know that if I had a good friend lose their child at the same time mine was due I would be scared.
I was so relieved when she responded back.

I have been overwhelmed by your message and unable to write you back until tonight. When I heard your news, I didn't know how I could ever face you again without bringing you anything but pain. I was so surprised and humbled when I read your note on Monday. Thank you so much for your prayers. Your heart is a true testimony to the love of Christ. Thank you also for being willing to share with me. I will call you if I feel like I need to.
Please know that you are also in my prayers throughout the day, specifically that you would find God to be everything that you need during this trial. ***** and I are lifting your family up to Him!


I felt at peace sharing with her.
You see, it was easy for me to open that communication with her because I made it okay in my mind.
She was pregnant with her second child, a son. 
Her first born was a girl.
My first born was a girl.
My second child, a son.
So in my mind she was blessed with her son just like I was.
I disconnected my third child, Madelynn from her experience.
This made us the same.

In fact, while I was on maternity leave I took a Scotty's maple bar and soda to her house for a visit.
Can you believe this gal had never had one?
Those of you not from our town, 
I hope you have a great donut store with fountain drinks served over crushed ice!
We visited.
I asked how she was adjusting to two kids.
I shared how I was doing.
I shared how I was okay being with her and her son because I had a son.
Being with her was okay.
It didn't hurt.

Now in the last week this friend has walked this journey with another friend.
She has asked me about ways to support her friend.
I feel blessed that I have been able to help a friend support her friend on this unwanted journey.

I cope with other's happiness by finding the blessings in all this crazy rain.
In those first months my brain was on auto pilot.
I rationalized everything to make it okay and tolerable.
I find the connections to my own life so that I could cope and
not focus on what was taken away from me.
I will say that I think things have gotten somewhat harder as time has passed.
The ache to hold her in my arms never goes away.
But I will save that for another post.

Finding the blessings,

1 comment:

  1. I always look forward to your Monday posts about Madelynn. With each post I feel I know you and your sweet family just a little better. I love your sharing your heart and think how blessed your friend was to have you understand and can now be there for her friend and she travels through the her unwanted journey. Hugs my sweet friend. See you Friday evening.