Friday, June 18, 2010

It's Like the Ocean

You know when you're standing on the beach watching the waves carefully and you move closer and then back again to avoid getting your feet wet...Well, that's how I feel most days.  I can best sum up the grieving process by comparing it the ocean.  There are days that I am standing on the beach watching the waves.  They get close but I'm able to move back to keep my feet dry.  I know the memories, thoughts, and emotions are all there. I'm always thinking about Madelynn: the should've beens, would've beens, and so on. But I manage to keep my feet dry.  I stay strong and continue on through the day. Most days I'm able to enjoy the ocean view with my family while the waves come ashore. 

Some days though there is a rogue wave (or a couple).  You know the ones that come in on the side when your standing at the edge of the beach.  You're not watching for it and then it just crashes into your legs from the side. Shucks, now your legs are soaked and you start running back towards the beach to keep from getting hit again or, when you were little, your dad picked you up real quick and moved you.  In the experience of loss it's that unexpected thing that throws you for a loop.  Your mind now goes to a place that you were trying to avoid or you didn't even know was there.  I'm learning that I have to allow those rogue waves to hit me and be okay with letting my feet and legs get soaked.

This last week there seems to have been one rogue wave after another.  
It's been 4 months today since Madelynn passed, and wouldn't you know it another rogue wave snuck in there and practically took me out.  It was actually a "Blessing" that the wave got me(and Jason) today as it gave us a lot of time to talk about how we were doing.  The kids were at Nana and Papa's house.  We had time to just grieve together.  We get so caught up in the busyness of life that we don't take time to stop and process what has happened in our lives.  Of course we know that life goes on, and for us it is in a new way and we are changed by it.  We realized today that we need to take time to listen to each other and share our thoughts, as painful and sad as they might be.  Today there was a lot of grieving (and crying), seeing that we still have a long way to go, and understanding that it's okay to be in the place we are at.  We both are grieving the loss of Madelynn and need to allow ourselves to get soaked in order to help us as we heal. 
These times are helping us learn more about each other and how God is shaping us during this.  We are praying for how God wants to use us.

So, most days I enjoy the ocean view.  The waves coming in and out and sometimes that rogue wave sneaks in the from the side.  Through all this I reminded that it is God who has carried us.  He's there to swoop me up after that rogue wave hits.  Yes, I need to get soaked but I'm not left there to be miserable and wet.  God, who is our Father, picks me up and moves me back to a dry spot on the beach.   

I've shared with several people about how I've compared the grieving process to the ocean.  Well a blessing has been shared with us.  We are going to sit on the beach with our family and enjoy God's creation.  We'll watch those waves come in and dance around with them.  We'll get wet when those rogue waves sneak in from the side.  Most of all, we'll enjoy a time to rest and relax.  
We'll take a break from the busyness of life and just breathe!

I just want to say that we are so lucky to have such a loving family and great friends who are praying for us and sharing words of encouragement with us during this time.  I'm thankful to the women who have shared with me their experiences of losing a baby.  I feel a special connection to you and am blessed to know that you understand where I'm at right now in my life.  You know who you are and I am thankful to have you in my life!!


  1. Denise God is doing wonderful work in both you and Jason. I am so encouraged by the way you are using your pain to give Him glory and help others. You are an amazing woman!

  2. Your heart felt words describe the grieving process of losing a baby so profoundly Denise! As the days, weeks, months and even years will pass.....yes, you will grieve forever, however, it will be a different more comforting process. My children have giving me the most joy, happiness, heartfelt love in my life, and yet, by no doing of their own.....the most heartache. You are forever in my thoughts and daily prayers. Hugs to my sister in Christ!

  3. I know to not read your blog updates unless I'm ready to cry because your words always move me to tears.
    We love you, Denise.

  4. I'm so glad you found our blog, and thank you for sharing your's with me! What day was Madelynn born? Whitney was born on Feb. 11, so our girls have the same birth month. It is always so comforting to 'meet' other baby loss mammas... reminds me I'm never alone in any of this. Ok, so now I'm going to sit down with my coffee and read about your sweet baby girl. :-) Take care of you!