Monday, March 26, 2012

It Changes Everything...

For the last several months I've really been digging deep to figure out my place in this world.
(go ahead, sing it like Michael W. Smith)
This process really began after Madelynn passed away.
This unthinkable event changing everything.
Which direction would this path I'm on go?

My story (our story) is not uncommon.
Families are experiencing loss daily.
Luckily for us, our story was immersed in prayer at the moment of loss.
Prayers for peace and comfort.
Things we felt instantly.
I am so thankful to have been spared anger at Him who created our perfect Madelynn.
I learned in that moment that absolute power of prayer, 
and the peace that can only come from a loving God.

In the months following this new journey I started to notice a change in how I thought about things.
Tragedy changes you.
It's an inevitable process.
For me it had become about what really mattered in God's eyes.
My concern wasn't just about the good things we have in our life.
I started to really think about others and what they are going through.
I felt a greater purpose to what I was I supposed to be doing.
I had a story that I knew I needed to share with others.
I had/have a heavy burden to care for others, compassion for others.
But how is that going to look in my life?

My dilemma was time.
I work full time.
I'm a mom of two kids here on earth that needed me.
I'm a wife.
I'm not a night owl or a morning person.  (double whammy)
I'm tortured because I feel I can't devote the time to things that had become so important to me.
I need to make a change.
What is that change, I know not!

But, change scares me.
No, strike that, it terrifies me!
You see, at 34 years old, I was really just learning to trust God and put all my faith in Him.
Trust Him to provide.
Now two years later, I'm really working on having faith.
I feel like Indiana Jones as he set his foot out to take that first step on the "invisible" bridge.
My foot is out in front of me.
Except I lean forward and then pull myself back.
I'm lucky, I know it's there.
Yet, I waver.  Yes, No, Maybe, Yes, No, Maybe, YIKES!
I suppose I need a gentle push, or maybe a swift kick in the pants!

So here I am, 36 years old.
Things are good, but are they the best?
I'm starting to break out of my box that has been oh so comfortable.
I'm still digging deep inside my heart.
I'll be honest, I feel in limbo.
Not sure what is going on.
I feel God is speaking to me, just not sure exactly what He's saying.
I struggle with discernment and clarity.
I have a hard time knowing if it's God guiding me or me telling God that He's guiding me.
(not sure that makes sense without me telling you in person without the oh so helpful hand gestures)

The part I lack in is studying His word.
I need to make that time my first priority in each day.
That needs to be the source, the place I put my trust.
 I need to equip myself with His words.
Too be ready for what He has for me.

(And airplane writing in sky wouldn't be so bad either though!)

Finding the blessings,

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