Monday, January 9, 2012

Mondays are for Madelynn

I have felt a strong urge to begin sharing about how life changes after experiencing the loss of a baby.

I want to preface that as you read my thoughts, please know that I am okay.  
I'm doing okay.
There are good days and bad days.
More good than bad. 
Bad isn't even the right word, maybe hard or reflective days.
I just want to share the realities of what this experience is like.

So here I go:

I can hardly believe it has been almost two years since Madelynn was born.
I can't believe it because it is always fresh in my mind.
I debated making these pictures available for others to see.
But you know what, she was our little girl.
I did some editing and touching up.
I put together 4 of the 6 pictures we have of her.
That's right, we only have 6 pictures of our baby girl.
Here's our precious little girl:

Oh how I long to see her again, to hold her again, to spend more time with her.
These are things/topics I want to share with other families that are going through this.

I'd like to share a conversation I had with the Nathaniel last night.

Nathaniel:  Mommy, are you sure the doctor's were right?
Me:  Doctor's were right about what honey?
N: About Madelynn being dead.  Are you sure she wasn't just sleeping?
Me (trying to keep it together): Oh honey, they knew for sure she had passed away.
N:  Really sure.
Me:  Yes, why do you ask?
N:  Just when we go to where she's buried, I don't want her to be there under the dirt.
Me:  Me neither honey.
N:  I miss her.
Me:  Me too
N:  I love you mommy.
Me:  I love you too.

Nathaniel is a very sweet and tender hearted 7 year old.
He's brings up these types of questions quite often, and honestly, I'm glad he does.
It warms my heart to know that he thinks about Madelynn.  
It also breaks my heart too.  
Oh how he wanted his little sister.  
He was the first to feel her kick.  
He talked to her.
He calls her his "sweet angel."

We have learned to adjust to life after a loss.  
It is so different that losing a grandparent.
I have such great memories of my grandparents that have passed away.
I don't grieve or mourn their loss.
They lived full lives.
Sure there are times that I am sad and I think about them.
But it is not a consuming sadness.

The loss of a baby is the loss of a life never spent.
Memories never made.
It is a consuming sadness of what should have be and would have be.
It's constant thoughts of the day she was born to how she would have been almost 2.
I know of women that have shared how friends and families have made comments to them about moving on.
How easy to say, but not easy to do at all.
It doesn't happen.
I see dear friends shed tears sharing about the babies they lost 5, 10, 15, and even 30 years ago.
It doesn't go away.  It gets easier to cope with, but it's always there.
I'm actually glad it doesn't go away.  
I don't ever want to forget her.
I want to always remember how she blessed our lives and how much she taught us.

If you know someone who has experienced a loss in pregnancy or infant loss, 
please don't tell them to move on, get over it, life goes on, etc. 
 Just listen to them share, it's all they have of their baby!
If they break down crying it's because it's always fresh in their minds.
There is no statue of limitations in the grieving of a lost child.

I'm so lucky to be a part of this amazing support group:

We meet the second Friday of every month in the cafe at GateWay church.
We meet from 6:00-8:00.
We laugh, we cry, we get angry.
We share our babies.
We share our struggles.
We are normal!

Please share this information if you know someone who has experienced a loss.
It really is a neat place to supported by women and families that know your pain.

I think I'm emotionally spent tonight.

Finding the Blessing,

I've linked up with Casey Wiegand in sharing what's on my heart:


  1. Denise, thank you for sharing this. Words cannot express the
    the resonance these words have with me. Our angels are our blessings ...

  2. You always post so beautifully what my heart and soul feel Denise! My heart aches every day for my sweet baby boy, as I know yours does for your baby girl. Yes, there are days I wish my sweet angel was in my arms, actually most days. I find so much comfort in knowing he is sitting with Jesus, and us mothers left with arms that are aching, will someday be filled with holding our babies again. I love you my sweet friend, think of you every day~~You, will never be without us mothers to love you! Renee'

  3. Thank you Denise for sharing such intimate pictures and feelings with us. Love you Chica :)